sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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