Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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