Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
