there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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