Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
