He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
