We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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