i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
