I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
