Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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