Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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