I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
