So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
