hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
