She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
