i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
