awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
