The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
