I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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