I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
