apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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