im having a threesome with these popsicles
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
