I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
