I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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