So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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