I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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