i already hear my dad disowning me
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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