it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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