butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
