I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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