I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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