I just saw a hot homeless man
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
