She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
