Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
