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I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
