i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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