i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
