Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
