So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
