can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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