just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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