i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
