my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
