No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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