When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
