i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
