I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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