i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
