he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
