If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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