took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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