Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
where are you?
Hypothermia
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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