So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
