Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
