I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just forgot I was standing up.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
