Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this just has baby written all over it
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
