Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
