You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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