I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
