he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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