Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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